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The smile plastered on your face, has me pondering so many thoughts. The peril of my mind turns to a chaotic usurping of power between The heart and the mind. Each deity of my brain begins to tug and pull at the stings of my being. Breaking down my mental state day by day. I search your smile, testing the validity of the postered happiness. It stings in my heart, leaving a trail of doubt every step of the way. Were you ever that happy or is that smile always fake?
Did I not do enough for you? Was I not good enough? What makes him better than me?
How can you invest so much time into someone, to just cut ties? How can you rationalize it to make it seem you are just in your actions? How can you carelessly act on your own selfish ambitions, without giving thought to the one you “loved”? How can you say pain demands to be felt, but refuse to acknowledge any pain but yours? How could you?
Tonight I want to talk about something medical related, so if you are here for my typical sad poetry(ish) not right now.
I’ve already talked about dealing with Chronic Illness on a daily basis, but I want to go a step further and touch on the topic of social interactions and personal relationships.
Like with anything, chronic illness makes having any type of a social life infuriating. Many times normal people like to set up plans and establish a foundation of an idea of what the day may hold, or what time to show up. In my experience, this is incredibly difficult because at any time the pain can come crashing down. What makes it even more complicated is the fact that if there is a strange weather change in the day it can throw my whole body off balance. Lets not mention the fact that because of my chronic illness I am not able to drive, which makes me 100% dependent on another person to drive me around.
The problem with having set in stone plans is numerous. Let me not mention the sheering pain, oh wait, I have twice. That is how often the pain can come. There are so many times that I will be standing in line at the store getting ready to meet at the destination my friends may of set up. Then, within an instance I am taken over by overwhelming pain that can either last for a few minutes or it could last the rest of the day. A lot of the time new friends will be very understanding, but after a few missed hang outs, a few missed calls, a few non-returned texts, and it is to much for them.
That or my personal favorite.
YOU’RE FAKING IT FOR ATTENTION
The sad truth is, this isn’t a joke.
I promise you my pain is not a way to bring attention to myself. I knew a life before pain, no one would choose this. That is key when having a friend with Chronic Illness. We often our miserable by the state of our life and we hope for the opportunity to cling onto a social interaction or a healthy(sometimes not so healthy) relationship. So i urge you to loose the stigma you may have of people with chronic illness.
We may be sick, we may have different pain and a different routine then you, but we have the same urge to have relationships, to Love, to laugh, to have fun, to live.
DO NOT MAKE SOMEONES CHOICE FOR THEM!
Again, I thank everyone for reading this tonight. I hope that it has brought peace and strength and hopefully some encouragement and perhaps, a different perspective.
Tonight, when emotions ran high, my mind did wander
To how simple it would be, to just give up and to just quit.
The constant nagging of the every day pressures of life
Weighing down on me, dragging me under,
Quietly suffocating every attempt to scream.
Longing the for the time
When this separation can be behind us.
Tonight, when emotion ran high, my mind did wander,
To how I won’t quit
To how I won’t give up on…